Our Healing Hearts

At 13 weeks I had a small baby bump.  At 13 weeks I was feeling great.  At 13 weeks I was excited to begin my 2nd Trimester.  At 13 weeks we lost our baby.

Kevin and I talked about writing this blog post, and both decided that I should.  Since I have started my blog I have shared a lot, and most recently shared the news of our pregnancy.  It was important for me to share the news of our loss and our healing.

Thursday September 23rd Kevin and I returned home from a walk.  It was then I had the pregnancy scare that sent me into tears.  We called the Doctor who didn’t seem too worried but wanted to see me the next morning.  I calmed down, as I felt confident that everything would be okay.  The next morning it was raining so hard.  I was nervous but felt confident still.  When they weighed me I had lost weight.  My Doctor came in and began to examine me.  When she couldn’t find the heartbeat with the Doppler we became nervous.  We then went in for the ultrasound where she confirmed our worst fears.  At that moment we felt what heartbroken really was.  Our Doctor was wonderful.  She assured us that it was nothing we did, and gave us the compassion we needed.  She discussed our options and we agreed that we would have the D&C.  That weekend was the worst we have had, however it was so memorable for us as a couple.  We had the support of each other, family and friends.  We couldn’t have gotten through it without our supports.  We spent the entire weekend together crying, hugging, talking, and supporting each other.  Monday night before the procedure was hard.  I went to bed that night with tears and woke up Tuesday morning feeling sad.

I was ready for the procedure. We both felt that we could begin to move on after it was done.  I had the most wonderful surgical nurse who hugged me when I broke down and cried prior to the procedure.  She gave me the IV, gave me some medicine and after I kissed Kevin, rolled me back to the operating room.  The last thing I remember was seeing the strap to strap me down.  I woke up to the surgical team around me.  Someone told me the procedure went well, but that I had lost a lot of blood.  Kevin was allowed to come back and sit with me in recovery.  My nurse told me that I may have to go to the hospital to get blood.  That was confirmed a few minutes later when my hemoglobin count was too low.  As soon as the ambulance got there I was off to CMC Main. While waiting for the ambulance to get there we found out that I lost half the blood in my body.  I know I worried Kevin.  He was so educated on my blood pressure, temperature, and pulse, and he  took care of me. He told me I was beautiful.   Luckily I was stable the entire time.  We got to the hospital and eventually the blood transfusion began.  Wednesday morning I was released from the hospital.  I shouldn’t have been.  Wednesday night and into Thursday morning I had a severe headache and felt very weak.  My Doctor wanted to see me again along with  a hematologist.  Together they confirmed I shouldn’t have been released, and that I didn’t get enough blood.  (She was not the Doctor who released me, and said she wouldn’t have).  Back to the hospital for me.  So after a total of 4 blood transfusions, and a CT scan for good measure,  I am beginning to feel better.  It is great to be home.

You would think that after all of this we would ask God Why?  Oh we have, but after a lot of praying, conversations with each other, and reading, we have been comforted.  We both continue to be sad, but we know there are brighter days ahead, and we are blessed with many things, mainly each other.  I am not working this week and this allows me to continue to heal.  My heart and mind needs to heal as well as my body.    We know we will see our baby one day, and we are comforted by that.  Our baby was loved, and our baby brought us so much joy and excitement for 13 weeks.

To our family and friends, we couldn’t have gotten through this without you.  We felt the love and sadness you shared, as this was a loss for you too.  We love you all.

Kevin, I am more in love with you that ever before.  You have healed me.  Thank you for the hugs, sharing in my tears, and talking about our baby.  Thank you for holding me and knowing what to say.  Thank you for the gentle kisses. Thank you for telling me I am beautiful everyday.  You have confirmed that you and I can get through anything.  We know God has a plan for us, and a part of his plan is our relationship with each other.  We have been strengthened by this trial, and I am thankful for that.  I know you are hurting, and you also continue to heal.  I promise to be by your side and support you as you have done for me.  You have taken care of me physically as well.  You are my advocate and I am thankful to have you by my side everyday.

All my love,

Kara